Imagine this being an easy first conversation with someone on a date? Imagine if you were able to get that fear out in the open without judgement, rejection or exploitation.
Could you ever own your fears and the hurt you’ve suffered to empower yourself and genuinely gain a positive friendship and relationship from others?
There’s a real stigma against people who have recovered from abusive relationships. Even when people have been the bravest I have ever known and fought against abuse they’re often seen as damaged and not strong resilient people they really are.
Many of you will know I fought against two such relationships myself, in the healing from them it involved learning how to not show how ‘broken’ I was (twitter saw all of it of course) it became an art form for a while! I was hard as nails. Of course this meant I was impenetrable in the way of not being able to get close to people.
I gave it a proper go though, the playing it cool way. You know, pretend you’ve got your shit together in a vain attempt to get them falling for this amazing blank canvas that’s not going to cause any problems. Of course we all know it didn’t particularly work out but my point in this is that in the early stages I hid how potentially vulnerable my feelings are and I was burnt. Since them though it’s suddenly like that Pandora’s box burst open and all the honesty and feels pour out all over the place.
A few months ago I had quite an interesting experience which actually fits in to all this remarkably well. Through Plenty of fish I met a super lovely guy, we got on sensationally well and he asked me out. All fantastic until I tell you he was a widow, a very recent widow. What came from meeting him was a very raw evening. He was super honest about his late wife, his grief and how broken he was. In return I felt safe enough to be super honest back with a lot of stuff that’s happened to me. I’ve never experienced anything so raw with stranger in my life. It was a real breath of fresh air.
One thing that still stands out now though was how he repeatedly remarked on how ‘broken’ we both were. I understand he was in a very deeply raw emotional place but his instant go to was ‘we’re broken’
I had to disagree of course. I actually don’t see myself as broken anymore. I think that everything I’ve survived has genuinely made me a survivor (cliche I know) but there is of course a legacy of the abuse, insecurities and fears.
Meeting new people is always scary and with dating all the more so. When you’re in a position of real self awareness is the standard showing a perception of ‘having your shit together’ counter productive? Doesn’t this play into the stigmas hands maybe
I wonder what real honesty can achieve, could it really work very early on in meeting someone. I mean, maybe not a full life story in a first date but even something as simple as admitting that potentially falling for someone is incredibly scary.
I feel like I’m waffling now, this bit even seems difficult to write. I already feel like these ideas are utter madness, anyone faced with that should run for the hills *sigh*
What is the worst that happen?
Someone who cant handle something like doesn’t become a part of your life and you’re probably both better off for it or someone who is unfazed by it could become a fantastic part of your life.
Essentially though I do really think it starts with stopping this ridiculous notion that people who have been hurt are ‘broken’ because actually I believe it couldn’t be any further from the truth.
Sometimes telling someone your fears seems to make it half the fight
Love
Xoxo
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