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A Letter to Mum

Dear Mum,

Its been over 4 years since we spoke, Its been very bitter-sweet.

I often feel confused over my feelings about you and the situation we have found ourselves in, to say we have a difficult relationship would be somewhat of an understatement! Naturally it’s not something I would choose.

There is a lot of things I regret. maybe I handled things badly. I wish I behaved better, I wish I could always do things the way you wanted me too. But sadly I feel not matter how hard I tried, it would never be good enough.

As children we never went without. we were well fed, spoilt rotten at Christmas and Birthdays, had nice clothes and a nice home to live in. For all those things I am grateful for. But they don’t really count for a lot when you can’t enjoy them.

I suppose it started after my sister was born. I was 6. this was the beginning of a divide in our family. with you and the baby and then my dad and me. That wasnt so bad. but when granddad passed away it got worse. Y ou started to get poorly. It wasnt until i was an adult, did i realise how bad. I mean there isn’t many places in hospital where you make pots, and do paintings. You would lash out at me and Dad if we didn’t do things perfectly. when I was 10, dad couldn’t take it anymore and he had to leave. he even asked me to go with him. I felt it was best to stay at home. I mean it wasnt like I was never going to see him again was it? Hmm, well that’s what dad and I thought.

You lied and lied! about my dad hitting you, about my grandma being a drug dealer! you did everything you could to keep us away from him. and we believed you, every single word. and why wouldn’t we? you are our mum. we trusted you. As it seems, it worked out well for you because Dad gave up. He gave up knowing though. He knew that as we grew we would work things out and see through the lies and go to him! That is exactly what I did at 15.

It wasnt a decision you liked. and finding out i had been in contact with him when i had been suspended from a boarding school, (that I was sent to 4 months after you had another baby) probably didn’t help matters. but the chain of events that night really showed me for the first time that our relationship was not a strong and normal mother daughter relationship at all! not many mothers I know would kick their 15-year-old out, then send their husband to attack their ex husband, and then when that back fired you resorted to attack my dad yourself! if that wasnt bad enough within hours you had changed your phone number and taken my clothes to the police station for me to pick up!

We went almost a year without talking, i went through my G.C.S.E’s without you, got my first job, you missed my 16th birthday, I desperately missed you, every time I saw you in town I wished and wished you would say hello! Then one day you called, I couldn’t have been happier! you explained then that it was you husband at the time that wanted me cut out and that you were sorry and you missed me too. we settled back into some form of relationship, you know the one where I strive to impress you and make you happy, and not really getting anywhere with that.

A year later I did something stupid, I got pregnant at 17. initially I was happy about it. then I got your reaction. you were not happy! you were more worried about what people would think when you 3-year-old daughter would be an auntie. Other people must have been more important to you. when I decided to keep you cut me out again, numbers were changed and you went back to blanking me in the street for 8 months. It has to be one of my darkest periods of my life. I completely lost my mind, i decided not to keep the baby, I drank extremely heavily. and pushed everyone away.

Again, when you called me, telling me it was your husband and not you, I was there in a shot. your husband had left and it was just me you and my little sisters, everything went back to ‘normal’ again. things were going really well for all of us, I met my man, and you met a new man, I had my son who you doted on completely. I thought we were set. again me and now my man would do anything for you and my sisters. and I loved it. it felt right.

I realise now it was only going well because I was doing everything to make you happy, I was actually getting it right for once, well until that summer 4 years ago!

early summer I fell pregnant with my daughter, you were ecstatic! but then you were starting to go quiet. we were hardly seeing each other. this was when you told me, the money from your divorce was running out. I felt awful, you had spoilt me and the boy rotten, taking us out all the time, making sure we never went without. It changed you. you became distant and tried to my hardest to make you happy.

Then I had one of my hardest challenges with my man. I had caught him kissing someone when I was 10 weeks pregnant. I came to you for support. straight away you were advising me to leave him completely. I wanted to at first. The whole thing was so scary, I was worried about the baby, my life, my son, it took me a while but I decided that the best thing for me and my children was to stick with him. I was determined to turn this into a positive and let it make us stronger. As it turns out, without you actually saying it to me. choosing him ment losing you! without giving me the chance to explain to you why I took him back

After I told you he had come home, you would not take my calls. even my man called you to see whats up. you told him you needed space. and we got that so left you to it. we figured you will call when your ready. well you most definitely did that. in one of you many drunken late night calls a couple of months later. you accused me of using you for you money, slagged off my dad, his and my in-laws family, and tried to ruin my mother-in-laws career. all just before christmas. that was the last straw for me. I finally could not take anymore! you told me never to contact you again, and that’s what I did. See it’s not just me you hurt this time but also my babies! I can be hurt over and over, but I wont have it done to them.

Sometime I miss you, but I think its more of a biological need rather than physical need. I have been through so much in the last 4 years its unreal. but with an amazing family ive got through it with ease. me and my man are so strong and I trust him more than ever. the baby boy you doted on those years ago has grown into such and amazingly clever boy. And the baby you never met? she is just wonderful, has a lot of spirit and well and truly lights up our house! you have missed so much, and that makes me feel very sad.

Our relationship may have been very difficult and very hard to understand but I thank you! everything I have been through will make me stronger. as a person and a mother. I will never turn my back on them not matter what. they will always feel loved and secure.

I know now, that I didn’t do anything wrong. as it wasnt just me was it? my sister has gone through the same with you. but with our wonderful dad and family we are getting each other through it. we are finding it easier to deal with. I hope one day you can feel settled too. maybe you already have I suppose ill never know. I also hope that your decisions have made you happy.

From your Daughter


Sorry this is a very long post, and there is so much more I could say. the issue of my mother is something that comes up every now and then. it will upset me for a bit and then ill be ok with it all again until the next time. Maybe one day ill have to guts to actually send this to her, but overall im quite happy with the zero contact. rightly or wrongly i’m terrified of letting her in again.




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