Here’s a short story about Robyn. She had a life most would dream of, successful career in journalism, her own flat, great friends, hot lawyer boyfriend and she had never happier.

But this is a tale of how one chance moment changed her life forever. A chance encounter.

Robyn would walk through the park twice a day with Olive, her spaniel. Each day there were all the usual walkers and runners, Olive would see her mate Ellis the retriever every afternoon and they would chase each other for little while. Robyn was content in the routine.

Some times when things are so routine it easy to spot a difference. Like when you see a new car parked near your house or someone close begins to behave differently. You can spot them a mile off. So over a few days Robyn began to notice something in the park, a man. Nothing unusual, he would just be sitting on a bench in the afternoons. Every now and then as Robyn would walk past he would ask “Have you got a moment?” to which she would politely say no.

Always something to do, to get home for. Life is busy.

There was one day different to the rest though, this day Robyn had a big meeting at work. It could change the course of her career and give the exposure she’d been working towards for years. Preparing for this had consumed much of her life. Still, the day was here and Olive’s morning walk was a great chance to mentally prepare and calm herself. The park was quiet this morning, only two runners out despite it being a calm spring morning. As she walked around the lake she could see a figure in the distance sat on his usual bench ‘well that’s unusual’ she thought to herself. He was only ever there in the afternoons and as she walked closer she could see today he was looking scruffier than usual. Olive ran straight to him to say hi much to Robyn’s annoyance! olive has never been interested in him before so why today?!

Olive was loving life with the fuss she was getting from this man, he seem to really know how to connect with dogs and she is really lapping up the attention. Robyn calls after her a couple of times to which Olive doesn’t even flinch, growing in frustration Robyn, now walking near, calls her firmly and Olive reluctantly tears herself away from the man.

As Robyn tries to hurry past the man again asks her “have you got a moment?”

“I’m sorry I’ve got to get to work” she replies

Resigned, the man says okay and looks down. Robyn rushes home to get ready for her meeting. The scruffy man never far from her thoughts.

once home Robyn fed olive and got through the shower, Dan was still fast asleep in bed so she scrambled around in the dark finding her clothes trying not to disturb him. She was looking forward to seeing him tonight at the party. Sorted Robyn leaves for the office.

Caitlin is at her desk in reception “Morning Robyn, they’re ready for you in the conference room. Go smash it”

“Thank you love, I’m so ready for this!” Robyn replies as she picks up her portfolio and walks through.

The meeting lasted four hours, a lot shorter than Robyn was expecting! The team was so impressed by her work she didn’t need to sell herself anywhere near as much as she thought she would need to. It was much like a lunch with friends. Robyn is now on the editorial team on a new magazine.

Elated Robyn skipped off home. With a couple of extra hours now she was looking forward to an afternoon of walking Olive and casually getting ready for tonight. Dan was off work today so she though they could both go for the walk through the park together. She could not be happier.

What she didn’t expect was to her world to fall apart in the next moment.

As she pulled up to the apartment she found a car in her space, it wasn’t one she had seen before. ‘Strange’ she thought. Robyn lets herself in to Olive scrambling at the door to say hello. Always the best greeting. There was also a commotion in the flat, she couldn’t quite make out where it was coming from but then Dan almost fell out the bedroom in a state of undress. The world around Robyn fell silent. She could see Dan was saying something, she could feel herself walking past him with Olive by her side. The silence was eerie. Dan tries stop her from entering the bedroom, he’s easy to shrug off and what she finds when she opens the door floors her. There stands Lauren, dressing herself.

A confused Robyn asks ‘why are you undressed?’

All Lauren can say is sorry, over and over. This still doesn’t make sense to Robyn, she could feel chaos around her yet there is a dark silence. Lauren rushes out and she’s gone in a flash. Now its just Dan there saying loads of things that Robyn still can’t hear. When things are spinning less she manages to turn, pick up Olives lead and walk out the flat. Dan attempts to stop her to which she stops, turns to him and calmly tells him to get off her. She leaves only with Olive.

The world looks different. Its slow and quiet, noise is muffled like sounds coming from another room. It feels like eternity until Robyn makes it to the park. There isn’t a single person around at first. Then she spots him, the scruffy bench guy and he’s walking towards her. Olive begins to pull at the lead excitedly want to go and say hello to him, he makes a huge fuss of her again remarking what a surprise it is to see her at this time. Again he asks Robyn if she has a moment. She hears him loud and clear, after all the silence it sounded almost like he shouted at her. She doesn’t say anything.

“Come with me” he tells her

It wasn’t to difficult for Robyn to follow him as Olive was almost dragging her in the direction the man was walking. He walks out of the park and towards town where he stops at an old Victorian pub, as he holds the door open Olive darts in and Robyn dutifully follows. He directs her to sit at a table near a fire, Olive is already settling herself down. Robyn sits and Olive puts her head on her feet, still so numb they look at each for what seems like an eternity. The man returns and gives Robyn a large glass of wine then sits himself down. They sit in silence for while, Robyn doesn’t move or look up. After a while she realises she is shaking so takes a large swig of the wine.

A few minutes later the man says “I’m Mark”

Robyn looks at him, He doesn’t look scruffy today, he’s wearing a shirt and tie and as she looks at him she can see a real kindness through the worry in his eyes. This breaks her and a sob escapes her and the tears flow. When the sobs subside the words begin to fall out, she tells Mark what happened, it all happened so quickly yet she manages to just talk and talk. Once she is done she looks at Mark “I see you at the park every afternoon?”

“You do, it’s a great place to run after work then recover by the lake. Peaceful. I see you most days with your dog. I’m new to the area”

Robyn nods “It’s my safe place”

Mark gets more drinks as Robyn begins to relax, they sit and chat. She tells him about her promotion at work while he talks about where he came from and when he moved.

“What are you going to do now?” He asks Robyn.

She sat and thought about it briefly, tears in her eyes “In all honestly, I have no clue. I left the flat with only Olive. Right now I never want to step foot anywhere near that place or speak to anyone I know” She looked down at Olive who had sat up and put her head on her lap and sighed. “I’m supposed to be a big meal and party with everyone i know. I think I’ll probably head to the coast for a few days, I know a little place. Just until I can face people”

“well if there’s anything I can do to help you just have to shout, I’m always about” Mark reassured “for now though you can just sit here for a moment”

This reminds Robyn “Why do you ask if I have a moment?” she asks.

Mark looks at her “I was busy like you once, everything was rushed. I never took any quality time with the people I loved. I lost touch with so many of them I found myself become more isolated as the months went by. I told myself I was just busy at work but even there I was noticing myself being more distant with people. I was so busy in a rush I took no time to listen so no one was taking the time to listen back. That’s when I decided it was time for change”

Olive moved to him, sat with head on his knee while she stared at him intently.

He continued “I chose to start over, to slow down. I want to take the time to encourage people to take a moment for others. We all pass by the same people day in day out. That’s why when I see you I ask you if you have a moment, I hoped one day you would”

Robyn thinks about what Mark has just said, It’s taken her back but the first time in the last few hours it was something that made sense “I think I have to leave now Mark, thank you for having a moment for me. You’re very kind”

As Robyn got up to leave Mark holds her hand “Kindness is all we need, you know where I am when you have a moment”





So I’m at the end of my little holiday to Malta. I’ve had the most brilliant time with my children. They, as ever have been amazing.

For weeks before many people have asked me why I chose Malta, I’ve mainly just said it was a random choice. It half was but there was an underlying reason and there’s a very good reason I didn’t make it a big deal before and while I was here.

I’m about to come home feeling pretty fucking happy. I’ve proved some very strong doubts I have about myself and I have settled some demons and I’ll explain why…

I’ll not go on, but as a lead on from my last blog post I am now at 15 years old, I was still living with my real mum. I was in a boarding school and really struggling. There were a couple of incidents at school, one incident meant I had been forced to miss a family weekend away with my step fathers Work which to me at that age was no big deal.

That spring though we had a villa family holiday coming up in Gozo. To cut a long story short, I was in trouble at school again, This time I think it was for drinking. It meant I had a short suspension and I had to spend a few days at home. Hilarious now to think that a 15 year drinking (slightly heavily) was taken out of a save space and thrown back into the alcoholics fire.

Anyway, not only was I suspended I was told that my place on the family holiday was to be taken by my step fathers mum and I’m staying at home with my step fathers dad. For two weeks. Wonderful.

Obviously I kept drinking and eventually in a couple of months later I was saved by my Dad and living with him. (I’ve written about this previously)

This week has almost been a bit of a pilgrimage. She stopped me from coming here once but it doesn’t matter because I did it by myself, like everything else she took or didn’t provide. So now here I am in Malta, with my two glorious children! Happy and proud of everything I have achieved. Her voice that shouts in my head about me and my children never amounting to anything is sounding ever more distant. I did it! I’m successfully provided two amazing clever kids and I worked hard to provide them with a holiday we will all treasure.




Two puzzles, a puzzle of childhood memories and a puzzle of adult gained facts of my first 15 years. My mind is struggling to fit the two puzzles together into one clear picture. There’s a even a few blurry pieces just to mix things up a little.

That’s what’s going on in my mind and has done for a few years now. With each new piece of information I’m given the puzzle gets harder. Its so great.

So the difference between the two seem to be worlds apart. Children see events in their lives in a very different way to adults. There’s less emotional attachment and moral code. These things come to us as adults. Children trust their adults around them to keep them safe and show them what is normal. When bad things happen to children they always seem to just take it in their stride, following the lead of adults. It’s only when we grow, learn and mature that we see things very differently. A difficult childhood can make this all that harder.

This leads me into my newly acquired information about certain situations over the difficulties of my early years. A lot makes sense now but it leaves me with a real sadness for child me. I feel angry for her! Especially as she very much felt unheard for many years. She turned into a very troubled teen and young adult. Now, just as I turn 34 I know that some people knew. They not only knew but they also tried to help. I feel a little comforted by that but it sadly didn’t last. My mother still managed to play the system with her narcissist charm to continue her abuse and I was still neglected right up to me leaving at 15. The more I learn the bigger the event of me actually getting out becomes. It was still something I engineered at just 15 years old, the only people who helped me was my Dad & Stepmum. The first people to really have my back.

My whole 20’s became the battle in recovering from the damage but even in going through all that I still never really faced the magnitude of what my life was. I’ve done everything I can to separate myself from being an abuse victim. I’m better than that and I’m better than her. Still it haunts me though, people still have new information that are let slip in conversations. It still hurts.

I’m a mother too and I’m fiercely protective of my children. I think about the mother she was and I don’t get it. I just can’t understand how she could be so cruel and not see how much her children needed help! My heart just breaks for those children.

So here lies my dilemma of my second brain puzzle. Child me and adult me are connected yet so very separate. I feel I should just be one big clear puzzle which is why I struggle with putting it all together. I’m half outraged and angry then half sad and resigned to it just being my life. The more I learn the harder it becomes.

If I can offer any advise to anyone who knows children going through a hard time. Be honest. It’s okay for children to learn how to deal with hardship, it’ll power them to be in a better place to deal with things as an adult. Helping children truly understand what is happening around them can only be a good thing really. They don’t need protecting or sheltering.

I think I’m in a place now where a bit of help to get the puzzles tidied up in my mind will probably be really beneficial. I’ve also decided to seek out records, if I have all the information then I can’t be gutted time and time again. Knowledge is power.



Heartbreak *sigh*

Dramatic I know but recently my heart was very slightly broken.

I’ve realised it was nearly 8 weeks ago now and to include a good old cliche used by a friend ‘it’s been a process’. At one point I could have punched that cliche square in the face if it had manifested into a real person. I still might.

A lot of what’s happened in the last few months could be argued as my own doing. I wasn’t hurt, cheated on or dumped. In fact I was the finisher, it was all my own choice. Many of you will know it was a short long distance relationship that was going so well I really thought all my Christmases had come at once. Well Christmas doesn’t last forever does it.

I won’t delve into his problems, it’s not my story to tell but in regards to my story just remember he was slowly falling into depression, things weren’t going great for him and I was shut out. Right after I dropped the L bomb on him was the moment we essentially began to unravel. He wasn’t in a position to give me what I needed over long distance. I didn’t need much though, just some security in seeing him regularly and just a bit of acknowledgement of my feelings towards him. That essentially stopped dead in December and I bailed.

I don’t really want to dwell on the ins and outs of the break up. It was all very simple and full of understanding for each of our positions. The hardest thing has been the aftermath! He was the first person I had every truly opened up to since being so closed off to everything for 5 years. I made myself vulnerable to someone and got burnt, it seems evident that once the flood gates are open its impossible to close them. One or two of you may have noticed I have been quite erratic lately, I was just utterly lost. It genuinely felt like I had lost a whole part of my life. At first I assumed I could just shut myself down like I had so easily done in the past. Seems that’s just not me anymore and I actually feel things now. A lot of things.

There’s been a lot of drink, avoidance and I can only describe it as me spending all this time desperately avoiding the hurt and guilt I felt while I filled the void with insane crushes and tinder. This ‘process’ is the exact thing I spent years avoiding. There’s been so much advice given about how I ‘should’ deal with this flood of feelings. I ‘should’ give my ex a chance, being open to him and on the opposite I’ve been told I should shut him out and move on with a clean break. I haven’t been able to do either fully. We still talk every now and then, I don’t want that to stop but I cant be open to him, not now.

There’s been advice to not flood all my feelings out on twitter yet I’ve been welcomed to share. When I am riddled with anxiety and out of control I can see rationally that I sound mental, especially when the mood has changed so suddenly. Talking really has helped me hugely. It’s important. Once again twitter has been my therapy crutch (you guys could charge a fortune) there is no where in the world where you can get so many diverse opinions and experience as I have built in my followers. you’re invaluable. I’ve spent my whole life being afraid to feel but as mental as I have looked in the last 8 weeks its all actually been very normal. I’m not going to beat myself up for it any more, or even contain it.

This last weekend was quiet and alcohol free, the fucking process had exhausted me. Two days of concentrated feelings with little outlet other then for me to actually face them myself. After stripping everything back I still missed him, desperately. Its okay to feel like that. We spoke briefly and it was clear that was the feeling I had buried the most so became the final thing to fix. It was like a liberation, I really believe I have freed myself now. Everything is settled, that feeling of impending doom is gone and stayed gone. As much as the ‘process’ was a dick, it was my process and I eventually owned it. In my own way. In an attempt to be kind to myself (rare) I was not mental, I was hurting.



Some of you will know I have been single for quite some time now, Over 4 and a half years to be exact. In that time I have probably learnt more about people than I had ever done in all my years before.

Meeting people I have met online has undoubtedly been a great experience for the most part and its something I actively enjoy. They have not been without the odd lesson here and there though. The internet has broadened the usual scope of people we would meet in real life, opened our world to so many possibilities. Except different sites used in different ways and people acting differently online makes for a difficult distinction between online fantasy and reality.

One of the clearest examples of how difficult this can be is how a married person could use it, how they can find that way out of the dis-satisfaction they feel in their lives for some reason or another. The opportunities to them on the internet are endless, the ability to fill a void without it actually being real can be an attractive prospect I’m sure. I mean what harm can talking online really do? But that’s it though! Is it really just a fantasy? Are those people on the other end of the internet viewing it in the same way you are? It’s so easy to try and write these interactions off as not being real, if only to protect yourself.

Then there are single people, this is where I think a lot of the difficulty lies on the internet but I of course could be biased in feeling this.

One way of meeting people as a single person of course is twitter. It is full of conversations of light flirting and building a sort of closeness that can really stir real feelings. These come with their own problems though, how do you know when something goes beyond reality? So many more factors with this kind of interaction, it’s a real test of knowing what real and what isn’t.

One experience could be the twitter crush, pretty sure everyone has had at least one and I am no exception. In fact there have been a couple, one was a pretty big one. On paper we were almost perfect for each other, there was a fair amount of real feeling involved. At least on my side. Time and time again I passed up the opportunity to really let my feeling known. Distance played a huge part in my reluctance but also the unknown of how real it all is, can it really be transferred into a real relationship. Life has moved on in some ways but there is still the admiration there.

So what happens if you do meet someone in person? How does it really work out after a virtual interaction? Sometimes you can throw yourself in an online friendship that just ticks all the boxes. Conversation flows, there’s an attraction like nothing else! So you let your self go a bit more. Months and months of chatting lead to more intimate conversations, you feel that you can be more free in your sharing of likes and dislikes that you certainly would if you were sat in the pub sharing a few drinks. You are just talking to someone on the internet, its safe.

When it comes to actually meeting though that real life shyness and fear is back, its different. Can you really let yourself be that person you were online? That chemistry that you thought you had, All the intimacy you shared just isn’t there. It seems its not really that easy either way.

Today I had asked my Twitter followers what would stop them revealing a Twitter crush. 26 answered and I got these results –

  • Fear of rejection 27%
  • Distance 8%
  • Online isn’t reality 42%
  • I did & it worked 23%

I think it really speaks for itself and shows how hard it is to blur the lines of virtual and reality. It can really mean putting yourself in a difficult position. But what’s the alternative? Apps out there that are supposed to be a form of real interactions, are they really different though?

Selling my soul to apps and sites like tinder and POF have proved fruitless, I talked about these before. The increase of addiction to the instant attention whether that would be good or bad is clear to see now, for myself too it has been a difficult habit to break but it’s definitely something I am done with. The quick and easy nature of them have (I believe) have breed an age of single people who are only satisfied with finding something instant, whether that be instant sex, instant relationship, instant validation, instant gratification. None of it fulfilling, if they don’t get what they instantly crave they move on and find their quick fix else where and so the cycle continues. I myself have been guilty of this behaviour.

But these are only a few small parts of interaction online, millions of people talk to each other online everyday so it would be foolish to put it all into one assumption that it’s all bad. People do build friendships and relationships, it is possible but I believe them to be rare. The true connections at least.

The reality is that the internet is an absolute minefield, how anyone uses it is ultimately up to them. I wonder how many people who view it all as just a virtual platform do so purely out of self protection. The instant nature of it all can cause more issues than it satisfies though and I think this is become more and more prevalent in the younger users.

Death of dating

I’m sat here, listening to Viola Beach. It’s a Tuesday night on a summers evening. I feel warm but somewhat unsettled with myself. Unusual for this time of year, I think there’s been so much that has happened in the last 12 months I feel I am in an endless cycle of emotions and pain. I do realise that sounds quite dramatic, hell I know its beyond dramatic but this I quickly becoming an intense outlet. I hope when I read this back I can actually laugh at the ludicrousness of it.

I made a decision today to quit dating. After 4 years it has exhausted me. I have known for a couple of years really that I should just stop and I knew 4 years ago that anything started online was never going to end in this great big romantic love affair. Back then it suited me perfectly. Perfect for the broken Woman just trying to find herself again. Then I became trapped in that cycle of bad choices driven by habit and loneliness. The past two years I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve deleted and set up an online dating profile. So many! Each time I’ve said this is the last! then the loneliness returns and back again I go.

Recently though its just been more and more unfulfilling. Could be grief that’s had a part in that, that and after so many possibilities usually ending up with me being hurt I have become more closed off to the possibility of ever letting myself fall in love. If I do try and let myself open up I get burnt, One named only as the Evil cheating minion this year has been my absolute final straw. That one was the biggest, actually being deceived in that way was the worst.

I have found myself in this position where I second guess every person, I trust no one.

I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to find that one thing that could just fit, that’s patient and so far removed for that instant gratification that seems to rule all forms of dating these days. Even four years ago it wasn’t this bad. That’s the main part I find hard to deal with, so much urgency in the need for that perfect interaction. No one really cares about getting to know a person on a deeper level any more and no one wants to take the time to earn a mutual respect and trust that they so much crave.

So with all that in mind, I’m out! I’m not into what this game has become, there is nothing genuine in it and it has become toxic. Without wanting to sound like a hippy twat I really need break that cycle and look after myself again (I know I cringed at myself)

I’ve already distanced myself over the last couple of weeks and found a sense of freedom from the boring soulless interactions, I don’t miss the misogynistic insults when I dare to turn a man down and I definitely don’t miss the desperation for that instant gratification. Loneliness is something you can let consume you or you can embrace the opportunity to finally not have to search for something you don’t even know you want. Embrace the people you do have in your life that love you already, they deserve your time more.

And lastly, create your own happiness not someone else’s.





So this was on Facebook, I don’t often get involved in these things but it made for a great hour of hilarious revelations. It’s great was to see how they see their world around them.

My Daughter age 8 is the first answer and my son age 11 is the 2nd.

WITHOUT ANY prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. It is a great way to find out what they really think. When you re-post put your Child’s age.

1. What is something mom always says to you?

I love you.

I love you
2. What makes mom happy?

When I say I love her.

3. What makes mom sad?

Who’s I say I don’t love her.

Over flowing baths.
4. How does your mom make you laugh?

When she’s clumsy.

Literally tickle me to death.
5. What was your mom like as a child?

Don’t know.

Don’t know.
6. How old is your mom?


7. How tall is your mom?

Don’t know.

5’6 (wrong)
8. What is her favorite thing to do?


Lots of things.
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?

Go out.

Speaks to Helena.
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?


Not for acting, or singing.
11. What is your mom really good at?


12. What is your mom not very good at?

Being clumsy.

Being organised.
13. What does your mom do for a job?

Charity shop.

Charity shop.
14.What is your mom’s favorite food?


15.What makes you proud of your mom?


Being different.
16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?


17. What do you and your mom do together?


Watch films.
18. How are you and your mom the same?


19. How are you and your mom different?

Don’t know.

I’m better at maths.
20. How do you know your mom loves you?

She says it all the time.

Says it a lot.
21. What does your mom like most about your dad?

I passed on this one. 
22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?


23. How old was your Mom when you were born?



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