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Heart



Forever

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A few words from my mind

Knowing

Do you ever get a feeling of knowing?

When you don’t know what it is exactly but you just KNOW?

so then everything in your life as you know it, changes. Hopes, fears, desires, they all suddenly look and feel different. Its as simple as waking up one day and seeing the reasons for all of your behaviour. Seeing why you kept people at arms length and why you closed your heart. When you can see all the things that chipped away at your open and caring nature to almost the point of breaking point.

Before though, it all felt like it was just the universe taking the piss. one disaster after another. you realise though that its all for a reason. Every part was a lesson. Each time you grow, you learn. even if you thought every shady bastard was chipping away at every part of what’s good about you, its actually doing the opposite.

Learning how to protect yourself from things that aren’t good for you, learning to be open but resilient towards the right people while attracting the right kind of attention.

I see all of that now. I see that I did what was right for me at the time but that’s not right for me now. To me this means I can really say I’m recovered in my heart and my mind from what was before. I can move forward with a new set of hope, fears and desires. The search for what’s missing in my life is over. I have all I need for now and I’ve taken what I need from those experiences.

I can’t sat I’m completely done searching for some things but I can say I know where not to look for it. There is something right now telling me I don’t really need to look very far, what that means right now I don’t know but I do know is that I can trust my instincts.

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Magic

If you still believe in magic, you’re subject of enchantment.

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Please take the time to read all of this,
I am a brat and hugely proud. Never will I feel like a Civvie.

The way I see it, I didn’t choose …. I was made this way (sorry about the length..lol)

It’s been hard it’s been twisted and so full of strife, the path we have walked through this abstracted life.
Without roots or firm purchase we could not become trees, travelling the world like a killer disease.
I say like a killer ….for dangerous we were , only the foolish chose our wrath to incur.
It made us all solid when faced with a threat , it’s one of those things I’ll never forget .

We all had our moments, I’m sure we’ll remember … the tears when you hear “We move in September”,
For some in those moments they were tears of joy , “..finally, away from that girl(or that boy )”
A new house, fresh adventures and places to find , but always you know in the back of your mind…
You love it here. you have friends …. so much fun ,“…but I wanna stay here!” you scream at your mum.

But you’re just a small cog, not even a wheel, the forces …the world, doesn’t care how you feel,
So following your duty just doing as you’re told, with toys and your ski suit your pj’s you fold.
Packed up in your room box, no secrets could hide.. for mum and dad packing would sure look inside.
So to meaningless objects, and to those who you know you’d say your good byes … then bin as you go.

We all know it’s hard we all had to do it, some more than others .. yet some hardly knew it.
And then we met civvies.. that unusual breed, so varied and random like chickens at feed.
They crow and they bluster and scratch at the floor, and think that you’re weak when you walk out the door.
For they know not the fury.. we all hold inside, held back with respect in a mental divide.

See life didn’t just train us to be self assured , as singles we’re dangerous ,more random ,more bored.
We see civvie street’s broken in so many places, chocked full of people with all the same faces.
We see them all day wherever we live, bent cops and the dealers ,the chavs and the divs.
If you are like me and have developed the same… It’s like being a camera.. watching a game….

So like a French movie’s crap, and predictable ending… our way of life we’ve no way of defending,
For scattered we were when the Forces were finished , their argument over.. the threat was diminished.
So sentenced to England for our crime of pride , like sleepers we spread thru the civvies to hide.
Our struggles ignored we adapted like normal , except this place had snobs.. who treat things so formal.

Don’t know about you ,but I find I must say , “ask” me for anything… and I’ll help you all day.
But get yourself lordy .. give me a command.. then problems you’ll find you have on your hands,
For orders I took when I was so little, have left me quite delicate.. in fact… fairly brittle ..
Now I’m a big kid, you have no more hold, and really… I’m through.. with doing as I’m told.

For I am a pads brat a thing known to few, and if you’re reading this far… I’ll presume you’re one too.
So if in your day you come up against shite, or that little twat in the dead of the night.
Your manager , your workmate ,whoever annoys .. Take just one small moment ,to remember your toys.
Cos going thru our lives we just got to know it , annoy me enough ……and here.??… “I‘ll just throw it”.

For that is our way .. of change we‘re not frightened , sometimes it’s better when problems are lightened,
So if you’re like me and you are proud of your past ,then may this group help you, and long may it last.
Over this season when out drinking beer, raise your glass up and let out a cheer
Do it when drunk… in well crowded places, then watch for reactions on all others faces ..

Most will just stare .. Others will blink… but the ones that we want… will smile, toast and wink ..

So raise up those glass’s and chant it out loud ,… we are best of British… “PADS BRAT AND PROUD!!!”

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A question for you…. 

How the hell does someone begin to repair 28 years of mental abuse? And how do you learn to accept new people in your life?

Because I’d be damned if I knew. From previous blog posts you will already know about the relationship I had with my real mother so I wont bore you with any of that. I think I may have also touched on the state of the relationship that I had with my ex (not one for reading these back. So in case I haven’t said it already it was also as equally mentally and emotionally abusive) This isn’t about reminiscing about shit that’s happened before. I done that already so I don’t need to do it again. This is more about trying to work out how I’ve become so closed minded to any potential new relationship.

Ending those relationships were huge, and I do mean really huge. I was this 28 year old ADULT with two children, no idea of how to survive on my own, look after two children on my own, run a house on my own, get a job on my own and I was pretty much a shell of nothing. No sense of purpose or any idea of who I really was as a person, in my own right. 

Now to anyone reading that it probably sounds really over dramatic. It does to me, I deleted that paragraph three times before I decided I had the confidence to go with it. It really is how I felt though, everything up until that point was either done for me or I was told I could never do it myself properly. (Ex still tries it now at times but I have learnt not to rise to it and just ignore. He’s no longer my problem in that sense.) I had become a product of them so I’ve spent the last two and a half years learning everything all about me. My confidence has grown, my sense of self awareness is excellent, I’m strong minded, I’m aware of all of my faults and I have pushed myself so much further than I ever dreamed I would. I’m happy and settled within myself mostly.

So why, when I am asked time and time again “What are you looking for?” do I completely draw a blank? Why do I find that question so hard to answer? I know I want a relationship with someone, I want to share the new me with someone who loves me for all who I am. It surely isn’t that difficult! Seems that I make it difficult, I make it really hard for anyone to even try to get close. I become so possessed in this fear that I pretty much give them every tiny reason to walk (or run, more likely run so fast they’d break the land speed record) away.

A recent example is how I totally freaked out over someone I know in real life being on my twitter. Over the years Twitter became a hugely personally aid in everything. Bringing up Children, broken relationships, heartache and loneliness. It was my inner most thoughts shared to a community of people who wouldn’t judge me, the support I get during certain events is immense and a lot of lighthearted fun. It’s built into this bizarre collective of people, most of whom I have no clue who they even are but each of them are instrumental in helping me be who I am.

But that’s it though isn’t it, on there I am very much myself. So letting someone I meet in real life into that inner circle probably wasn’t a wise move. Or at the very least my behaviour since hasn’t been one of my most prized moments. I completely and utterly freaked out, then freaked out about freaking out. It’s certainly given me a lot to think about.

How did I think I was ready to let someone in when I am evidently not?

How do I change that pattern of behaviour of trying to push people away?

Is it just me that needs to do something? I mean, will it be easier if the right person was helping me? Maybe I’m over thinking it all but what is very real is the fear. It’s really quite overpowering, I have no idea where to even begin when it comes to not expecting people to walk away or how to not feel like I have to prove myself worthy to them. So obviously the easiest thing to do is to go in self sabotage mode (or self protection, whichever way you wish to see it) and probably save everyone from all the hurt. 

Shooting Star

Pretty if the sun won’t shine
I’ll be coming out to meet you
I’ll be there to make you mine

You’re pretty if the rain will pour
I’ll be knocking at your window
I’ll be begging you for more

It is as if you’ve come along too soon
and I’m trying to fit you in
but I can’t seem to follow

You’re a cutie if it all falls through
We can piece it back together
I can learn to trust you too

You’re just too good to lose
and I can’t refuse
so don’t make me choose
between the two
I’m fed up in here
in my atmosphere
Don’t you know who you are
You’re my shooting star

Your pretty teach me wrong from right
’cause in love there are no answers
and in life there is no lie
You’re pretty if the sun won’t shine
Now you’ve come this far to meet me
and I know, I know you’re mine

You’re just too good to lose
and I can’t refuse
so don’t make me choose
between the two
I’m fed up in here
in my atmosphere
Don’t you know who you are
You’re my shooting star

Don’t you know who you are
You’re my shooting star

Lyrics of the song Shooting Star By Air Traffic

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