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Some of you will know I have been single for quite some time now, Over 4 and a half years to be exact. In that time I have probably learnt more about people than I had ever done in all my years before.

Meeting people I have met online has undoubtedly been a great experience for the most part and its something I actively enjoy. They have not been without the odd lesson here and there though. The internet has broadened the usual scope of people we would meet in real life, opened our world to so many possibilities. Except different sites used in different ways and people acting differently online makes for a difficult distinction between online fantasy and reality.

One of the clearest examples of how difficult this can be is how a married person could use it, how they can find that way out of the dis-satisfaction they feel in their lives for some reason or another. The opportunities to them on the internet are endless, the ability to fill a void without it actually being real can be an attractive prospect I’m sure. I mean what harm can talking online really do? But that’s it though! Is it really just a fantasy? Are those people on the other end of the internet viewing it in the same way you are? It’s so easy to try and write these interactions off as not being real, if only to protect yourself.

Then there are single people, this is where I think a lot of the difficulty lies on the internet but I of course could be biased in feeling this.

One way of meeting people as a single person of course is twitter. It is full of conversations of light flirting and building a sort of closeness that can really stir real feelings. These come with their own problems though, how do you know when something goes beyond reality? So many more factors with this kind of interaction, it’s a real test of knowing what real and what isn’t.

One experience could be the twitter crush, pretty sure everyone has had at least one and I am no exception. In fact there have been a couple, one was a pretty big one. On paper we were almost perfect for each other, there was a fair amount of real feeling involved. At least on my side. Time and time again I passed up the opportunity to really let my feeling known. Distance played a huge part in my reluctance but also the unknown of how real it all is, can it really be transferred into a real relationship. Life has moved on in some ways but there is still the admiration there.

So what happens if you do meet someone in person? How does it really work out after a virtual interaction? Sometimes you can throw yourself in an online friendship that just ticks all the boxes. Conversation flows, there’s an attraction like nothing else! So you let your self go a bit more. Months and months of chatting lead to more intimate conversations, you feel that you can be more free in your sharing of likes and dislikes that you certainly would if you were sat in the pub sharing a few drinks. You are just talking to someone on the internet, its safe.

When it comes to actually meeting though that real life shyness and fear is back, its different. Can you really let yourself be that person you were online? That chemistry that you thought you had, All the intimacy you shared just isn’t there. It seems its not really that easy either way.

Today I had asked my Twitter followers what would stop them revealing a Twitter crush. 26 answered and I got these results –

  • Fear of rejection 27%
  • Distance 8%
  • Online isn’t reality 42%
  • I did & it worked 23%

I think it really speaks for itself and shows how hard it is to blur the lines of virtual and reality. It can really mean putting yourself in a difficult position. But what’s the alternative? Apps out there that are supposed to be a form of real interactions, are they really different though?

Selling my soul to apps and sites like tinder and POF have proved fruitless, I talked about these before. The increase of addiction to the instant attention whether that would be good or bad is clear to see now, for myself too it has been a difficult habit to break but it’s definitely something I am done with. The quick and easy nature of them have (I believe) have breed an age of single people who are only satisfied with finding something instant, whether that be instant sex, instant relationship, instant validation, instant gratification. None of it fulfilling, if they don’t get what they instantly crave they move on and find their quick fix else where and so the cycle continues. I myself have been guilty of this behaviour.

But these are only a few small parts of interaction online, millions of people talk to each other online everyday so it would be foolish to put it all into one assumption that it’s all bad. People do build friendships and relationships, it is possible but I believe them to be rare. The true connections at least.

The reality is that the internet is an absolute minefield, how anyone uses it is ultimately up to them. I wonder how many people who view it all as just a virtual platform do so purely out of self protection. The instant nature of it all can cause more issues than it satisfies though and I think this is become more and more prevalent in the younger users.

Death of dating

I’m sat here, listening to Viola Beach. It’s a Tuesday night on a summers evening. I feel warm but somewhat unsettled with myself. Unusual for this time of year, I think there’s been so much that has happened in the last 12 months I feel I am in an endless cycle of emotions and pain. I do realise that sounds quite dramatic, hell I know its beyond dramatic but this I quickly becoming an intense outlet. I hope when I read this back I can actually laugh at the ludicrousness of it.

I made a decision today to quit dating. After 4 years it has exhausted me. I have known for a couple of years really that I should just stop and I knew 4 years ago that anything started online was never going to end in this great big romantic love affair. Back then it suited me perfectly. Perfect for the broken Woman just trying to find herself again. Then I became trapped in that cycle of bad choices driven by habit and loneliness. The past two years I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve deleted and set up an online dating profile. So many! Each time I’ve said this is the last! then the loneliness returns and back again I go.

Recently though its just been more and more unfulfilling. Could be grief that’s had a part in that, that and after so many possibilities usually ending up with me being hurt I have become more closed off to the possibility of ever letting myself fall in love. If I do try and let myself open up I get burnt, One named only as the Evil cheating minion this year has been my absolute final straw. That one was the biggest, actually being deceived in that way was the worst.

I have found myself in this position where I second guess every person, I trust no one.

I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to find that one thing that could just fit, that’s patient and so far removed for that instant gratification that seems to rule all forms of dating these days. Even four years ago it wasn’t this bad. That’s the main part I find hard to deal with, so much urgency in the need for that perfect interaction. No one really cares about getting to know a person on a deeper level any more and no one wants to take the time to earn a mutual respect and trust that they so much crave.

So with all that in mind, I’m out! I’m not into what this game has become, there is nothing genuine in it and it has become toxic. Without wanting to sound like a hippy twat I really need break that cycle and look after myself again (I know I cringed at myself)

I’ve already distanced myself over the last couple of weeks and found a sense of freedom from the boring soulless interactions, I don’t miss the misogynistic insults when I dare to turn a man down and I definitely don’t miss the desperation for that instant gratification. Loneliness is something you can let consume you or you can embrace the opportunity to finally not have to search for something you don’t even know you want. Embrace the people you do have in your life that love you already, they deserve your time more.

And lastly, create your own happiness not someone else’s.

 

 

 

 

So this was on Facebook, I don’t often get involved in these things but it made for a great hour of hilarious revelations. It’s great was to see how they see their world around them.

My Daughter age 8 is the first answer and my son age 11 is the 2nd.

WITHOUT ANY prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. It is a great way to find out what they really think. When you re-post put your Child’s age.

1. What is something mom always says to you?

I love you.

I love you
2. What makes mom happy?

When I say I love her.

Cider.
3. What makes mom sad?

Who’s I say I don’t love her.

Over flowing baths.
4. How does your mom make you laugh?

When she’s clumsy.

Literally tickle me to death.
5. What was your mom like as a child?

Don’t know.

Don’t know.
6. How old is your mom?

31.

31.
7. How tall is your mom?

Don’t know.

5’6 (wrong)
8. What is her favorite thing to do?

Swimming.

Lots of things.
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?

Go out.

Speaks to Helena.
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

Handstands.

Not for acting, or singing.
11. What is your mom really good at?

Running.

Running.
12. What is your mom not very good at?

Being clumsy.

Being organised.
13. What does your mom do for a job?

Charity shop.

Charity shop.
14.What is your mom’s favorite food?

Quiche.

Pasta.
15.What makes you proud of your mom?

Handstands.

Being different.
16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?

Rapunzel.

Cinderella.
17. What do you and your mom do together?

Shopping.

Watch films.
18. How are you and your mom the same?

Everything.

Clumsy.
19. How are you and your mom different?

Don’t know.

I’m better at maths.
20. How do you know your mom loves you?

She says it all the time.

Says it a lot.
21. What does your mom like most about your dad?

I passed on this one. 
22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?

Winchester.

Manchester.
23. How old was your Mom when you were born?

22.

19.

Heart



Forever

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A few words from my mind

Knowing

Do you ever get a feeling of knowing?

When you don’t know what it is exactly but you just KNOW?

so then everything in your life as you know it, changes. Hopes, fears, desires, they all suddenly look and feel different. Its as simple as waking up one day and seeing the reasons for all of your behaviour. Seeing why you kept people at arms length and why you closed your heart. When you can see all the things that chipped away at your open and caring nature to almost the point of breaking point.

Before though, it all felt like it was just the universe taking the piss. one disaster after another. you realise though that its all for a reason. Every part was a lesson. Each time you grow, you learn. even if you thought every shady bastard was chipping away at every part of what’s good about you, its actually doing the opposite.

Learning how to protect yourself from things that aren’t good for you, learning to be open but resilient towards the right people while attracting the right kind of attention.

I see all of that now. I see that I did what was right for me at the time but that’s not right for me now. To me this means I can really say I’m recovered in my heart and my mind from what was before. I can move forward with a new set of hope, fears and desires. The search for what’s missing in my life is over. I have all I need for now and I’ve taken what I need from those experiences.

I can’t sat I’m completely done searching for some things but I can say I know where not to look for it. There is something right now telling me I don’t really need to look very far, what that means right now I don’t know but I do know is that I can trust my instincts.

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Magic

If you still believe in magic, you’re subject of enchantment.

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