I’m sat here, listening to Viola Beach. It’s a Tuesday night on a summers evening. I feel warm but somewhat unsettled with myself. Unusual for this time of year, I think there’s been so much that has happened in the last 12 months I feel I am in an endless cycle of emotions and pain. I do realise that sounds quite dramatic, hell I know its beyond dramatic but this I quickly becoming an intense outlet. I hope when I read this back I can actually laugh at the ludicrousness of it.
I made a decision today to quit dating. After 4 years it has exhausted me. I have known for a couple of years really that I should just stop and I knew 4 years ago that anything started online was never going to end in this great big romantic love affair. Back then it suited me perfectly. Perfect for the broken Woman just trying to find herself again. Then I became trapped in that cycle of bad choices driven by habit and loneliness. The past two years I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve deleted and set up an online dating profile. So many! Each time I’ve said this is the last! then the loneliness returns and back again I go.
Recently though its just been more and more unfulfilling. Could be grief that’s had a part in that, that and after so many possibilities usually ending up with me being hurt I have become more closed off to the possibility of ever letting myself fall in love. If I do try and let myself open up I get burnt, One named only as the Evil cheating minion this year has been my absolute final straw. That one was the biggest, actually being deceived in that way was the worst.
I have found myself in this position where I second guess every person, I trust no one.
I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to find that one thing that could just fit, that’s patient and so far removed for that instant gratification that seems to rule all forms of dating these days. Even four years ago it wasn’t this bad. That’s the main part I find hard to deal with, so much urgency in the need for that perfect interaction. No one really cares about getting to know a person on a deeper level any more and no one wants to take the time to earn a mutual respect and trust that they so much crave.
So with all that in mind, I’m out! I’m not into what this game has become, there is nothing genuine in it and it has become toxic. Without wanting to sound like a hippy twat I really need break that cycle and look after myself again (I know I cringed at myself)
I’ve already distanced myself over the last couple of weeks and found a sense of freedom from the boring soulless interactions, I don’t miss the misogynistic insults when I dare to turn a man down and I definitely don’t miss the desperation for that instant gratification. Loneliness is something you can let consume you or you can embrace the opportunity to finally not have to search for something you don’t even know you want. Embrace the people you do have in your life that love you already, they deserve your time more.
And lastly, create your own happiness not someone else’s.