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Death of dating

I’m sat here, listening to Viola Beach. It’s a Tuesday night on a summers evening. I feel warm but somewhat unsettled with myself. Unusual for this time of year, I think there’s been so much that has happened in the last 12 months I feel I am in an endless cycle of emotions and pain. I do realise that sounds quite dramatic, hell I know its beyond dramatic but this I quickly becoming an intense outlet. I hope when I read this back I can actually laugh at the ludicrousness of it.

I made a decision today to quit dating. After 4 years it has exhausted me. I have known for a couple of years really that I should just stop and I knew 4 years ago that anything started online was never going to end in this great big romantic love affair. Back then it suited me perfectly. Perfect for the broken Woman just trying to find herself again. Then I became trapped in that cycle of bad choices driven by habit and loneliness. The past two years I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve deleted and set up an online dating profile. So many! Each time I’ve said this is the last! then the loneliness returns and back again I go.

Recently though its just been more and more unfulfilling. Could be grief that’s had a part in that, that and after so many possibilities usually ending up with me being hurt I have become more closed off to the possibility of ever letting myself fall in love. If I do try and let myself open up I get burnt, One named only as the Evil cheating minion this year has been my absolute final straw. That one was the biggest, actually being deceived in that way was the worst.

I have found myself in this position where I second guess every person, I trust no one.

I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to find that one thing that could just fit, that’s patient and so far removed for that instant gratification that seems to rule all forms of dating these days. Even four years ago it wasn’t this bad. That’s the main part I find hard to deal with, so much urgency in the need for that perfect interaction. No one really cares about getting to know a person on a deeper level any more and no one wants to take the time to earn a mutual respect and trust that they so much crave.

So with all that in mind, I’m out! I’m not into what this game has become, there is nothing genuine in it and it has become toxic. Without wanting to sound like a hippy twat I really need break that cycle and look after myself again (I know I cringed at myself)

I’ve already distanced myself over the last couple of weeks and found a sense of freedom from the boring soulless interactions, I don’t miss the misogynistic insults when I dare to turn a man down and I definitely don’t miss the desperation for that instant gratification. Loneliness is something you can let consume you or you can embrace the opportunity to finally not have to search for something you don’t even know you want. Embrace the people you do have in your life that love you already, they deserve your time more.

And lastly, create your own happiness not someone else’s.

 

 

 

 

So this was on Facebook, I don’t often get involved in these things but it made for a great hour of hilarious revelations. It’s great was to see how they see their world around them.

My Daughter age 8 is the first answer and my son age 11 is the 2nd.

WITHOUT ANY prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. It is a great way to find out what they really think. When you re-post put your Child’s age.

1. What is something mom always says to you?

I love you.

I love you
2. What makes mom happy?

When I say I love her.

Cider.
3. What makes mom sad?

Who’s I say I don’t love her.

Over flowing baths.
4. How does your mom make you laugh?

When she’s clumsy.

Literally tickle me to death.
5. What was your mom like as a child?

Don’t know.

Don’t know.
6. How old is your mom?

31.

31.
7. How tall is your mom?

Don’t know.

5’6 (wrong)
8. What is her favorite thing to do?

Swimming.

Lots of things.
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?

Go out.

Speaks to Helena.
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

Handstands.

Not for acting, or singing.
11. What is your mom really good at?

Running.

Running.
12. What is your mom not very good at?

Being clumsy.

Being organised.
13. What does your mom do for a job?

Charity shop.

Charity shop.
14.What is your mom’s favorite food?

Quiche.

Pasta.
15.What makes you proud of your mom?

Handstands.

Being different.
16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?

Rapunzel.

Cinderella.
17. What do you and your mom do together?

Shopping.

Watch films.
18. How are you and your mom the same?

Everything.

Clumsy.
19. How are you and your mom different?

Don’t know.

I’m better at maths.
20. How do you know your mom loves you?

She says it all the time.

Says it a lot.
21. What does your mom like most about your dad?

I passed on this one. 
22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?

Winchester.

Manchester.
23. How old was your Mom when you were born?

22.

19.

Heart



Forever

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A few words from my mind

Knowing

Do you ever get a feeling of knowing?

When you don’t know what it is exactly but you just KNOW?

so then everything in your life as you know it, changes. Hopes, fears, desires, they all suddenly look and feel different. Its as simple as waking up one day and seeing the reasons for all of your behaviour. Seeing why you kept people at arms length and why you closed your heart. When you can see all the things that chipped away at your open and caring nature to almost the point of breaking point.

Before though, it all felt like it was just the universe taking the piss. one disaster after another. you realise though that its all for a reason. Every part was a lesson. Each time you grow, you learn. even if you thought every shady bastard was chipping away at every part of what’s good about you, its actually doing the opposite.

Learning how to protect yourself from things that aren’t good for you, learning to be open but resilient towards the right people while attracting the right kind of attention.

I see all of that now. I see that I did what was right for me at the time but that’s not right for me now. To me this means I can really say I’m recovered in my heart and my mind from what was before. I can move forward with a new set of hope, fears and desires. The search for what’s missing in my life is over. I have all I need for now and I’ve taken what I need from those experiences.

I can’t sat I’m completely done searching for some things but I can say I know where not to look for it. There is something right now telling me I don’t really need to look very far, what that means right now I don’t know but I do know is that I can trust my instincts.

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Magic

If you still believe in magic, you’re subject of enchantment.

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Please take the time to read all of this,
I am a brat and hugely proud. Never will I feel like a Civvie.

The way I see it, I didn’t choose …. I was made this way (sorry about the length..lol)

It’s been hard it’s been twisted and so full of strife, the path we have walked through this abstracted life.
Without roots or firm purchase we could not become trees, travelling the world like a killer disease.
I say like a killer ….for dangerous we were , only the foolish chose our wrath to incur.
It made us all solid when faced with a threat , it’s one of those things I’ll never forget .

We all had our moments, I’m sure we’ll remember … the tears when you hear “We move in September”,
For some in those moments they were tears of joy , “..finally, away from that girl(or that boy )”
A new house, fresh adventures and places to find , but always you know in the back of your mind…
You love it here. you have friends …. so much fun ,“…but I wanna stay here!” you scream at your mum.

But you’re just a small cog, not even a wheel, the forces …the world, doesn’t care how you feel,
So following your duty just doing as you’re told, with toys and your ski suit your pj’s you fold.
Packed up in your room box, no secrets could hide.. for mum and dad packing would sure look inside.
So to meaningless objects, and to those who you know you’d say your good byes … then bin as you go.

We all know it’s hard we all had to do it, some more than others .. yet some hardly knew it.
And then we met civvies.. that unusual breed, so varied and random like chickens at feed.
They crow and they bluster and scratch at the floor, and think that you’re weak when you walk out the door.
For they know not the fury.. we all hold inside, held back with respect in a mental divide.

See life didn’t just train us to be self assured , as singles we’re dangerous ,more random ,more bored.
We see civvie street’s broken in so many places, chocked full of people with all the same faces.
We see them all day wherever we live, bent cops and the dealers ,the chavs and the divs.
If you are like me and have developed the same… It’s like being a camera.. watching a game….

So like a French movie’s crap, and predictable ending… our way of life we’ve no way of defending,
For scattered we were when the Forces were finished , their argument over.. the threat was diminished.
So sentenced to England for our crime of pride , like sleepers we spread thru the civvies to hide.
Our struggles ignored we adapted like normal , except this place had snobs.. who treat things so formal.

Don’t know about you ,but I find I must say , “ask” me for anything… and I’ll help you all day.
But get yourself lordy .. give me a command.. then problems you’ll find you have on your hands,
For orders I took when I was so little, have left me quite delicate.. in fact… fairly brittle ..
Now I’m a big kid, you have no more hold, and really… I’m through.. with doing as I’m told.

For I am a pads brat a thing known to few, and if you’re reading this far… I’ll presume you’re one too.
So if in your day you come up against shite, or that little twat in the dead of the night.
Your manager , your workmate ,whoever annoys .. Take just one small moment ,to remember your toys.
Cos going thru our lives we just got to know it , annoy me enough ……and here.??… “I‘ll just throw it”.

For that is our way .. of change we‘re not frightened , sometimes it’s better when problems are lightened,
So if you’re like me and you are proud of your past ,then may this group help you, and long may it last.
Over this season when out drinking beer, raise your glass up and let out a cheer
Do it when drunk… in well crowded places, then watch for reactions on all others faces ..

Most will just stare .. Others will blink… but the ones that we want… will smile, toast and wink ..

So raise up those glass’s and chant it out loud ,… we are best of British… “PADS BRAT AND PROUD!!!”

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