What on earth is Curly Girl method?

Curly hair is not a trend, its a lifestyle

There’s a lot of talk about the Curly girl method, its certainly becoming more and more talked about in the last few years but what is it? There’s blog after blog, endless You Tube videos! I hope I can help explain this some of this minefield of information by writing ANOTHER blog (lol) in one place through what I have learnt since I started. The method comes from the natural hair movement for black women. Its important to acknowledge that embracing natural hair care came from black women needing to take ownership of their natural hair. This method has grown from them. Here is a link of a really interesting article covering some of the history of the natural hair movement http://www.theupost.org/2020/04/29/the-whitewashing-of-the-natural-hair-movement/

A book written by Lorraine Massey – Curly girl, the handbook is also an early resource to embracing and caring for natural curls. This is all about learning how to care for your hair type, it doesn’t make your hair curly.

I started Curly Girl Method in February 2018, I had enough of horrifically dry hair, hours of hair straightening and the constant fight against frizz. After reading some blogs about what it was all about I decided at first to ditch the shampoo, heat and brushes. These were the first products I found and tried with my new knowledge. The first basic rules I followed then were no silicone’s, no towels, heat or brushes.

Luckily for me the changes were fairly positive and quick, although ditching shampoo was a real mental challenge, Certainly takes a lot of getting used to. Over the last three years I have read more and learnt more. Experimenting with products has been full of equal triumph and failure.

One of the biggest part of learning about my hair was the revelation of curl types. One size doesn’t fit all! There’s a whole scale of hair types that all need looking after differently. Type 1-4 with sub types in each number. As you can see from the graphic below. Curly girl method tends to work well with type 3 and 4’s.

In doing some research for this I found some information on a wavy hair method. I found this really good website for wavy hair ladies

https://medium.com/@letscurlupseo/curly-girl-method-for-wavy-hair-e7e5a7b69c74#:~:text=While%20applying%20styling%20products%20to,preserve%20the%20clumps%20without%20shrinkage.

It uses the back bone of curly girl method but advises adaptions that work better for those waves. As a general guide, type 2 is often mistaken for straight hair, of all the curly hair types it tends to be the least dry so ditching shampoo may become troublesome.

Type 3 curls are much dryer, this is where no shampoo really starts to have a good effect. One thing that I’m really noticing on the market now is cleansing conditioners, a little pricey at the moment but could be a really good place to start, especially for the hair type who still have a good level of moisture to them.

Type 4 curly hair is very coily hair, it tends to be the driest of the hair types with defined S and Z shaped curls.

It’s important to note again that this method is not a one size fits all theory, from research and talking to various people hair types 2C – 4A tend to work well with Curly girl.

Another part of the hair to consider is the porosity. Varying conditions need caring for, ranging from Low, medium to high knowing which type your hair is will be a game changer. Each kind responds to products and treatments differently. This site explains it all in much more detail and shows you how to discover your type

https://www.naturallycurly.com/texture-typing/hair-porosity

Do’s & Donts of curly girl

These are not hard and fast rules but rather a guide. They’re a very good start in experimenting what works for your hair and what doesn’t.

Do’s

Wash hair with silicone free conditoners or a cleansing conditioner

Finger comb hair when wet to detangle

Use cotton T-shirts or microfiber hair towels after washing

Air dry your hair or use a diffuser on a low setting

Dont’s

Use shampoo or shampoos with sulfates

Avoid combs or brushes

No towel drying

Non water-soluble formulas

Avoid silicone’s, alcohol or fragrances

Below is a fantastic video, it really does well to show how to follow some of the practices and I absolutely adore Jayme Jo! I don’t do everything in here but there’s enough in here to try yourselves, you can easily pick and mix what works and what doesnt

How do I find the right products?

This has been some of the hardest part of all this, I have mostly relied on the blogs of other people who have clearly worked their arse off reading and analyzing the ingredient lists of hundreds of products! These women are curly hair heroes! When searching definitely remember to search within the country you live, the two example links I’m sharing will be UK based. Products and ingredients vary wildly across the world, when I first started looking it was mainly based in the USA. The method has definitely grown online in the last three years. I’ve certainly found the more I read on other blogs the easier it became to find the right products myself. I’ve also found that shops like Superdrug now even have most of the products made for curly hair in one section! Which really makes things easier.

Two good blogs in the UK that I have used are the following

• https://curlygirlapproveduk.com/
• http://www.theupost.org/2020/04/29/the-whitewashing-of-the-natural-hair-movement/

On curlygirlapproved.com there’s an interesting chart under Shea Moisture where they show which products are good for which hair type. It really shows the importance of trying different variants of products within a brand to find what works for your own hair. Finally this website I found today which is an absolute game changer! All you do is type in any ingredients from hair products and it tells you if its good or bad for your hair! So simple but effective! Genuinely wish I had this years ago!

https://www.curlsbot.com/

My own routine!

In my view my own routine is simple, its basically routine so to me its just part of my day to day life. To the right are my current products, these have really given me the best results I have ever had with my hair.

I start with ‘washing’ my hair with my conditioner, its left while I shower. I then give my scalp a good clean with a silicone scalp brush (only silicone and brush allowed haha). This really helps with fending off an itchy, flaky scalp.

Giving my hair a really good comb through with my fingers to de-tangle and smooth is done before I rinse. Part of rinsing is really taking the time to squeeze as much water out of the hair as you can, you don’t want your hair weighed down with water or the water being a barrier for products. If your hair is air dried then leaving a lot of water in the hair can really hamper drying.

Next is my Coconut oil, Its my favourite part! I know my hair really loves oil, it definitely shows me if I’m not giving it enough oil love. This is done before I wrap my hair in my microfiber towel, I like to rest my hair in the towel while it absorbs the oil and dries a little. Its then treated with a good amount of Creme gel, scrunched to volumise and finished off with my serum.

My Hair in 2007

My hair in 2021

My Curly hair journey is all here to see, Like I quoted at the beginning “Curly hair is not a trend, its a lifestyle” Its fully ingrained in my life now, its part of me. I love my hair! For me feels easy to look after now I really know how, a couple of my favourite pros is when I dye my hair the colour stays! it takes a good few months to fade which is remarkable for red (A con here is that my hair does hate being dyed, it takes a couple of days of intense conditioning for it to recover). A big pro is with the lack of damage from brushes, hairdryers and straighteners I’ve not seen a split end in three years. I haven’t needed to cut inches off my hair every year! Its glorious!

If i can advise anything to anyone starting then it would be research, experiment and be patient! If it works for you it will change your life

Love

xoxo

Collection of all the links used to help me write this

• https://www.realsimple.com/beauty-fashion/hair/hair-care/curly-girl-method-explainer
• https://www.naturallycurly.com/texture-typing/hair-porosity
• https://www.beautyempirestore.com/blogs/news/hair-types-porosity-density-we-break-it-down-for-you
• https://www.allthingshair.com/en-uk/hair-care/hair-types/type-2-hair/
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_9jSWr-1C0
• https://medium.com/@letscurlupseo/curly-girl-method-for-wavy-hair-e7e5a7b69c74#:~:text=While%20applying%20styling%20products%20to,preserve%20the%20clumps%20without%20shrinkage.
• https://www.curlsbot.com/
• http://www.theupost.org/2020/04/29/the-whitewashing-of-the-natural-hair-movement/
• https://www.littlemisskaty.co.uk/2020/10/curly-girl-method-results-six-weeks.html

‘I’m scared’

Imagine this being an easy first conversation with someone on a date? Imagine if you were able to get that fear out in the open without judgement, rejection or exploitation.

Could you ever own your fears and the hurt you’ve suffered to empower yourself and genuinely gain a positive friendship and relationship from others?

There’s a real stigma against people who have recovered from abusive relationships. Even when people have been the bravest I have ever known and fought against abuse they’re often seen as damaged and not strong resilient people they really are.

Many of you will know I fought against two such relationships myself, in the healing from them it involved learning how to not show how ‘broken’ I was (twitter saw all of it of course) it became an art form for a while! I was hard as nails. Of course this meant I was impenetrable in the way of not being able to get close to people.

I gave it a proper go though, the playing it cool way. You know, pretend you’ve got your shit together in a vain attempt to get them falling for this amazing blank canvas that’s not going to cause any problems. Of course we all know it didn’t particularly work out but my point in this is that in the early stages I hid how potentially vulnerable my feelings are and I was burnt. Since them though it’s suddenly like that Pandora’s box burst open and all the honesty and feels pour out all over the place.

A few months ago I had quite an interesting experience which actually fits in to all this remarkably well. Through Plenty of fish I met a super lovely guy, we got on sensationally well and he asked me out. All fantastic until I tell you he was a widow, a very recent widow. What came from meeting him was a very raw evening. He was super honest about his late wife, his grief and how broken he was. In return I felt safe enough to be super honest back with a lot of stuff that’s happened to me. I’ve never experienced anything so raw with stranger in my life. It was a real breath of fresh air.

One thing that still stands out now though was how he repeatedly remarked on how ‘broken’ we both were. I understand he was in a very deeply raw emotional place but his instant go to was ‘we’re broken’

I had to disagree of course. I actually don’t see myself as broken anymore. I think that everything I’ve survived has genuinely made me a survivor (cliche I know) but there is of course a legacy of the abuse, insecurities and fears.

Meeting new people is always scary and with dating all the more so. When you’re in a position of real self awareness is the standard showing a perception of ‘having your shit together’ counter productive? Doesn’t this play into the stigmas hands maybe

I wonder what real honesty can achieve, could it really work very early on in meeting someone. I mean, maybe not a full life story in a first date but even something as simple as admitting that potentially falling for someone is incredibly scary.

I feel like I’m waffling now, this bit even seems difficult to write. I already feel like these ideas are utter madness, anyone faced with that should run for the hills *sigh*

What is the worst that happen?

Someone who cant handle something like doesn’t become a part of your life and you’re probably both better off for it or someone who is unfazed by it could become a fantastic part of your life.

Essentially though I do really think it starts with stopping this ridiculous notion that people who have been hurt are ‘broken’ because actually I believe it couldn’t be any further from the truth.

Sometimes telling someone your fears seems to make it half the fight

Love

Xoxo

Have you got a moment?

Here’s a short story about Robyn. She had a life most would dream of, successful career in journalism, her own flat, great friends, hot lawyer boyfriend and she had never happier.

But this is a tale of how one chance moment changed her life forever. A chance encounter.

Robyn would walk through the park twice a day with Olive, her spaniel. Each day there were all the usual walkers and runners, Olive would see her mate Ellis the retriever every afternoon and they would chase each other for little while. Robyn was content in the routine.

Some times when things are so routine it easy to spot a difference. Like when you see a new car parked near your house or someone close begins to behave differently. You can spot them a mile off. So over a few days Robyn began to notice something in the park, a man. Nothing unusual, he would just be sitting on a bench in the afternoons. Every now and then as Robyn would walk past he would ask “Have you got a moment?” to which she would politely say no.

Always something to do, to get home for. Life is busy.

There was one day different to the rest though, this day Robyn had a big meeting at work. It could change the course of her career and give the exposure she’d been working towards for years. Preparing for this had consumed much of her life. Still, the day was here and Olive’s morning walk was a great chance to mentally prepare and calm herself. The park was quiet this morning, only two runners out despite it being a calm spring morning. As she walked around the lake she could see a figure in the distance sat on his usual bench ‘well that’s unusual’ she thought to herself. He was only ever there in the afternoons and as she walked closer she could see today he was looking scruffier than usual. Olive ran straight to him to say hi much to Robyn’s annoyance! olive has never been interested in him before so why today?!

Olive was loving life with the fuss she was getting from this man, he seem to really know how to connect with dogs and she is really lapping up the attention. Robyn calls after her a couple of times to which Olive doesn’t even flinch, growing in frustration Robyn, now walking near, calls her firmly and Olive reluctantly tears herself away from the man.

As Robyn tries to hurry past the man again asks her “have you got a moment?”

“I’m sorry I’ve got to get to work” she replies

Resigned, the man says okay and looks down. Robyn rushes home to get ready for her meeting. The scruffy man never far from her thoughts.

once home Robyn fed olive and got through the shower, Dan was still fast asleep in bed so she scrambled around in the dark finding her clothes trying not to disturb him. She was looking forward to seeing him tonight at the party. Sorted Robyn leaves for the office.

Caitlin is at her desk in reception “Morning Robyn, they’re ready for you in the conference room. Go smash it”

“Thank you love, I’m so ready for this!” Robyn replies as she picks up her portfolio and walks through.

The meeting lasted four hours, a lot shorter than Robyn was expecting! The team was so impressed by her work she didn’t need to sell herself anywhere near as much as she thought she would need to. It was much like a lunch with friends. Robyn is now on the editorial team on a new magazine.

Elated Robyn skipped off home. With a couple of extra hours now she was looking forward to an afternoon of walking Olive and casually getting ready for tonight. Dan was off work today so she though they could both go for the walk through the park together. She could not be happier.

What she didn’t expect was to her world to fall apart in the next moment.

As she pulled up to the apartment she found a car in her space, it wasn’t one she had seen before. ‘Strange’ she thought. Robyn lets herself in to Olive scrambling at the door to say hello. Always the best greeting. There was also a commotion in the flat, she couldn’t quite make out where it was coming from but then Dan almost fell out the bedroom in a state of undress. The world around Robyn fell silent. She could see Dan was saying something, she could feel herself walking past him with Olive by her side. The silence was eerie. Dan tries stop her from entering the bedroom, he’s easy to shrug off and what she finds when she opens the door floors her. There stands Lauren, dressing herself.

A confused Robyn asks ‘why are you undressed?’

All Lauren can say is sorry, over and over. This still doesn’t make sense to Robyn, she could feel chaos around her yet there is a dark silence. Lauren rushes out and she’s gone in a flash. Now its just Dan there saying loads of things that Robyn still can’t hear. When things are spinning less she manages to turn, pick up Olives lead and walk out the flat. Dan attempts to stop her to which she stops, turns to him and calmly tells him to get off her. She leaves only with Olive.

The world looks different. Its slow and quiet, noise is muffled like sounds coming from another room. It feels like eternity until Robyn makes it to the park. There isn’t a single person around at first. Then she spots him, the scruffy bench guy and he’s walking towards her. Olive begins to pull at the lead excitedly want to go and say hello to him, he makes a huge fuss of her again remarking what a surprise it is to see her at this time. Again he asks Robyn if she has a moment. She hears him loud and clear, after all the silence it sounded almost like he shouted at her. She doesn’t say anything.

“Come with me” he tells her

It wasn’t to difficult for Robyn to follow him as Olive was almost dragging her in the direction the man was walking. He walks out of the park and towards town where he stops at an old Victorian pub, as he holds the door open Olive darts in and Robyn dutifully follows. He directs her to sit at a table near a fire, Olive is already settling herself down. Robyn sits and Olive puts her head on her feet, still so numb they look at each for what seems like an eternity. The man returns and gives Robyn a large glass of wine then sits himself down. They sit in silence for while, Robyn doesn’t move or look up. After a while she realises she is shaking so takes a large swig of the wine.

A few minutes later the man says “I’m Mark”

Robyn looks at him, He doesn’t look scruffy today, he’s wearing a shirt and tie and as she looks at him she can see a real kindness through the worry in his eyes. This breaks her and a sob escapes her and the tears flow. When the sobs subside the words begin to fall out, she tells Mark what happened, it all happened so quickly yet she manages to just talk and talk. Once she is done she looks at Mark “I see you at the park every afternoon?”

“You do, it’s a great place to run after work then recover by the lake. Peaceful. I see you most days with your dog. I’m new to the area”

Robyn nods “It’s my safe place”

Mark gets more drinks as Robyn begins to relax, they sit and chat. She tells him about her promotion at work while he talks about where he came from and when he moved.

“What are you going to do now?” He asks Robyn.

She sat and thought about it briefly, tears in her eyes “In all honestly, I have no clue. I left the flat with only Olive. Right now I never want to step foot anywhere near that place or speak to anyone I know” She looked down at Olive who had sat up and put her head on her lap and sighed. “I’m supposed to be a big meal and party with everyone i know. I think I’ll probably head to the coast for a few days, I know a little place. Just until I can face people”

“well if there’s anything I can do to help you just have to shout, I’m always about” Mark reassured “for now though you can just sit here for a moment”

This reminds Robyn “Why do you ask if I have a moment?” she asks.

Mark looks at her “I was busy like you once, everything was rushed. I never took any quality time with the people I loved. I lost touch with so many of them I found myself become more isolated as the months went by. I told myself I was just busy at work but even there I was noticing myself being more distant with people. I was so busy in a rush I took no time to listen so no one was taking the time to listen back. That’s when I decided it was time for change”

Olive moved to him, sat with head on his knee while she stared at him intently.

He continued “I chose to start over, to slow down. I want to take the time to encourage people to take a moment for others. We all pass by the same people day in day out. That’s why when I see you I ask you if you have a moment, I hoped one day you would”

Robyn thinks about what Mark has just said, It’s taken her back but the first time in the last few hours it was something that made sense “I think I have to leave now Mark, thank you for having a moment for me. You’re very kind”

As Robyn got up to leave Mark holds her hand “Kindness is all we need, you know where I am when you have a moment”

 

 

Malta

So I’m at the end of my little holiday to Malta. I’ve had the most brilliant time with my children. They, as ever have been amazing.

For weeks before many people have asked me why I chose Malta, I’ve mainly just said it was a random choice. It half was but there was an underlying reason and there’s a very good reason I didn’t make it a big deal before and while I was here.

I’m about to come home feeling pretty fucking happy. I’ve proved some very strong doubts I have about myself and I have settled some demons and I’ll explain why…

I’ll not go on, but as a lead on from my last blog post I am now at 15 years old, I was still living with my real mum. I was in a boarding school and really struggling. There were a couple of incidents at school, one incident meant I had been forced to miss a family weekend away with my step fathers Work which to me at that age was no big deal.

That spring though we had a villa family holiday coming up in Gozo. To cut a long story short, I was in trouble at school again, This time I think it was for drinking. It meant I had a short suspension and I had to spend a few days at home. Hilarious now to think that a 15 year drinking (slightly heavily) was taken out of a save space and thrown back into the alcoholics fire.

Anyway, not only was I suspended I was told that my place on the family holiday was to be taken by my step fathers mum and I’m staying at home with my step fathers dad. For two weeks. Wonderful.

Obviously I kept drinking and eventually in a couple of months later I was saved by my Dad and living with him. (I’ve written about this previously)

This week has almost been a bit of a pilgrimage. She stopped me from coming here once but it doesn’t matter because I did it by myself, like everything else she took or didn’t provide. So now here I am in Malta, with my two glorious children! Happy and proud of everything I have achieved. Her voice that shouts in my head about me and my children never amounting to anything is sounding ever more distant. I did it! I’m successfully provided two amazing clever kids and I worked hard to provide them with a holiday we will all treasure.

Love

Xoxo

Puzzles

Two puzzles, a puzzle of childhood memories and a puzzle of adult gained facts of my first 15 years. My mind is struggling to fit the two puzzles together into one clear picture. There’s a even a few blurry pieces just to mix things up a little.

That’s what’s going on in my mind and has done for a few years now. With each new piece of information I’m given the puzzle gets harder. Its so great.

So the difference between the two seem to be worlds apart. Children see events in their lives in a very different way to adults. There’s less emotional attachment and moral code. These things come to us as adults. Children trust their adults around them to keep them safe and show them what is normal. When bad things happen to children they always seem to just take it in their stride, following the lead of adults. It’s only when we grow, learn and mature that we see things very differently. A difficult childhood can make this all that harder.

This leads me into my newly acquired information about certain situations over the difficulties of my early years. A lot makes sense now but it leaves me with a real sadness for child me. I feel angry for her! Especially as she very much felt unheard for many years. She turned into a very troubled teen and young adult. Now, just as I turn 34 I know that some people knew. They not only knew but they also tried to help. I feel a little comforted by that but it sadly didn’t last. My mother still managed to play the system with her narcissist charm to continue her abuse and I was still neglected right up to me leaving at 15. The more I learn the bigger the event of me actually getting out becomes. It was still something I engineered at just 15 years old, the only people who helped me was my Dad & Stepmum. The first people to really have my back.

My whole 20’s became the battle in recovering from the damage but even in going through all that I still never really faced the magnitude of what my life was. I’ve done everything I can to separate myself from being an abuse victim. I’m better than that and I’m better than her. Still it haunts me though, people still have new information that are let slip in conversations. It still hurts.

I’m a mother too and I’m fiercely protective of my children. I think about the mother she was and I don’t get it. I just can’t understand how she could be so cruel and not see how much her children needed help! My heart just breaks for those children.

So here lies my dilemma of my second brain puzzle. Child me and adult me are connected yet so very separate. I feel I should just be one big clear puzzle which is why I struggle with putting it all together. I’m half outraged and angry then half sad and resigned to it just being my life. The more I learn the harder it becomes.

If I can offer any advise to anyone who knows children going through a hard time. Be honest. It’s okay for children to learn how to deal with hardship, it’ll power them to be in a better place to deal with things as an adult. Helping children truly understand what is happening around them can only be a good thing really. They don’t need protecting or sheltering.

I think I’m in a place now where a bit of help to get the puzzles tidied up in my mind will probably be really beneficial. I’ve also decided to seek out records, if I have all the information then I can’t be gutted time and time again. Knowledge is power.

Love

Xoxo