I’m sat here, listening to Viola Beach. It’s a Tuesday night on a summers evening. I feel warm but somewhat unsettled with myself. Unusual for this time of year, I think there’s been so much that has happened in the last 12 months I feel I am in an endless cycle of emotions and pain. I do realise that sounds quite dramatic, hell I know its beyond dramatic but this I quickly becoming an intense outlet. I hope when I read this back I can actually laugh at the ludicrousness of it.
I made a decision today to quit dating. After 4 years it has exhausted me. I have known for a couple of years really that I should just stop and I knew 4 years ago that anything started online was never going to end in this great big romantic love affair. Back then it suited me perfectly. Perfect for the broken Woman just trying to find herself again. Then I became trapped in that cycle of bad choices driven by habit and loneliness. The past two years I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve deleted and set up an online dating profile. So many! Each time I’ve said this is the last! then the loneliness returns and back again I go.
Recently though its just been more and more unfulfilling. Could be grief that’s had a part in that, that and after so many possibilities usually ending up with me being hurt I have become more closed off to the possibility of ever letting myself fall in love. If I do try and let myself open up I get burnt, One named only as the Evil cheating minion this year has been my absolute final straw. That one was the biggest, actually being deceived in that way was the worst.
I have found myself in this position where I second guess every person, I trust no one.
I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to find that one thing that could just fit, that’s patient and so far removed for that instant gratification that seems to rule all forms of dating these days. Even four years ago it wasn’t this bad. That’s the main part I find hard to deal with, so much urgency in the need for that perfect interaction. No one really cares about getting to know a person on a deeper level any more and no one wants to take the time to earn a mutual respect and trust that they so much crave.
So with all that in mind, I’m out! I’m not into what this game has become, there is nothing genuine in it and it has become toxic. Without wanting to sound like a hippy twat I really need break that cycle and look after myself again (I know I cringed at myself)
I’ve already distanced myself over the last couple of weeks and found a sense of freedom from the boring soulless interactions, I don’t miss the misogynistic insults when I dare to turn a man down and I definitely don’t miss the desperation for that instant gratification. Loneliness is something you can let consume you or you can embrace the opportunity to finally not have to search for something you don’t even know you want. Embrace the people you do have in your life that love you already, they deserve your time more.
And lastly, create your own happiness not someone else’s.
I can understand where you’re coming from. Dating isn’t as easy as it used to be when we (you? me?) were of a certain age. I’m currently hurtling towards 40 at breakneck speeds and again find myself single – and considering dating. But then, like you, I wonder is it all worth the hassle? Will I find someone? Will they be compatible with me on a romantic, intellectual, personal, professional, financial etcetcetc level. There’s so much to take into consideration and, I think one issue with doing this over a certain age, is – well, I’ll put it like my step-dad did; “Alan, you’re old and stuck in your ways”.
And maybe that’s the issue. We (you? me?) have our lives in a certain way and dating with a view to a relationship is inviting someone else (who also lives their life in a certain way, and also had a past, and job/kids/ex-wife or husband/baggage) into our particular life circumstances and asking them to fit.
More often than not they don’t fit. So compromise comes in. “But”, says the voice in our heads, “why should I? I happen to LIKE MY LIFE the way it is.”
So what to do? What to do?
Maybe stop dating and start making friends instead. I think that’s a way of leading a fulfilling life. If you don’t have one, start a hobby which will increase your circle and lead to you meeting people without the pressure of OHMYGODHOWWILLTHEYFITINTOMYLIFEANDWILLTHEYLIKEMENAKED?
Make friends and from friendship something more can develop.
I do not know much about your personal circumstances, but from one frustrated singleton to another, “you’re not alone”. Good luck! :o)
Thank you 🙂
I don’t think I’ve ever really thought that hard about it, generally have the view that something will fit one day and I’m usually feeling okay with my life to not need someone. Most of the time that is. I do just feel a twang of loneliness sometimes and I go looking to fill that in the wrong places.
I’m just coming to terms with being in my 30’s (taken a couple of years) and the modern dating is geared towards those in their 20’s no kids or past. I really can not handle the flakiness of it all anymore.
I think all this is just me realising I’m not part of that world anymore. Friendships are definitely the way forward 🙂